Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
