Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
