I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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