By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
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