I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
