Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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