she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
