On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
