if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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