So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
