theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize