Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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