I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
