Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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