i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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