i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
