two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
There r osticjed everywhere
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
