Pappa wants mamma naked
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
