My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
