My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
