She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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