Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
