You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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