Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize