She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
