Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
