The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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