Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
