My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
