Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
There are leaves in my underwear?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
