sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
