im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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