i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
