i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize