Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
