Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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