i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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