there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
