cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
