So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
