I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Randomize
