I faked an abortion last night.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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