I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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