woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
