he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
