Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
