I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
