He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
