Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
