Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
