I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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