you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
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