I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
