apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
they need to just BURY HIM!
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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