You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
