I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
